At the end of one of my yoga classes, I noticed a student crying quietly on their mat. There was a feeling of heaviness in the air, and yet, this slight sensation of freedom. During our vinyasa flow, we worked with the theme of self-love. Every time I circle back to this intention as an instructor, it makes me think: why is it so damn hard to love ourselves?
Growing up, I was a competitive gymnast. There was an incredible amount of pressure to constantly do and be better. Although the words, “you are not enough” never actually came out of my coaches’ mouths, that seed of a thought was planted very early on. I was a strong, young girl who spent twelve to fifteen hours a week training, while also playing soccer, and still, I was not enough. Not celebrating my accomplishments and just pushing for more, became the norm.
As I moved into middle school, the struggle to love, hell, even like myself became an everyday battle. I physically developed much later than my peers and with this slow growth, came bullying and the comparison game. I called my parents twice a week for months claiming to not feel well, when really, I was becoming depressed. The transition into adolescence, like it is for so many, was a nightmare. The internal struggle for self-acceptance continued for many more years.
After graduating high school, I moved away from my small hometown. I thought that if I had a fresh start, I would start liking myself more, and so would others. Instead, I fell into a deep depression. I turned my focus outward looking for approval of myself in others, only to find myself chasing emptiness. While in therapy, I was given the homework of looking at myself in the mirror everyday and saying something positive. I felt nauseated the first several times, but it eventually became a little easier. The next step was to look at myself in the mirror again, this time saying, “I love you.” I cried every single time and eventually gave up trying.
Years later when I was in yoga teacher training, we had to do an exercise where we sat across from one of our co-trainees. We looked each other in the eyes while saying positive things about one another. Cue the nausea again. I will never forget that moment. I fought so hard not to interrupt with the response of, “you’re wrong.” I did my best to sit, listen, and believe. Slowly, I began to believe a few of the things that were being mentioned. I returned to the mirror that night, emotionally drained, looked at myself, and finally got those three powerful words out: I love you.
We grow up with so much pressure from everyone around us to be more or less, different or the same, this or that. Learning to break away from the ingrained belief system that gets created in our lives by the input of others is hard work, but it can be done. I started finding strength in the qualities that I once believed to be flaws, and that helped me to see that I bring a lot to the table. Self-love is a lifelong practice of accepting and appreciating who you are and what you have to offer in this moment. When you can let go of the judgment and expectation of others, you can start to see, with a little more ease, that you are more than enough.
